Sunday, December 4, 2011

tangled state of mind

feels like the sand is slipping out of my hands. I am just still doing nothing and still i feel that I always end up hurting the people I love. I don't understand what they expect of me and why. For how long will they see me for the choices i have made in the past. Why can't they just see me for who I am and why I do certain things. I just want to run and hide in your arms and sleep forever and spare myself all these judgments. sometimes, just surviving becomes such a big deal for me that i just wanna give myself up. I know ill never be good enough. but i just don't want to cause so much hurt.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


the silence gets to my DNA
and therefore, sometimes,
the voice of my own breath
is a relief enough to know
that m still alive.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


too much sunshine.
pleasant breeze.
but you can feel the warmth.
a humming tune.
coming and going of the waves.
far far away.
still that overwhelming silence.
clear sky.
white sand.
absorbing. every bit.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Jo Bhi Main kehna Chahun.. Barbaad karein Alfaaz Mere

Thursday, October 27, 2011

what it tales to feel alive again

sometimes you sit alone, crying and wondering why did this happening to you. and then you cant stop smiling and wonder why is it happening to you!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Turn Away...'coz I need You More

ligament fucked. head feels like some elephants are pounding inside it. but this Diwali was one of the very few good ones I've had. Yes, family wasn't around but the latter half of the day, it was just like everyone was home! There is so much to write about every single detail but some details are better in-scripted just in your mind.
If at all there is a time in anyone's life, where they wish they could go back into the past, relive it all because they didn't know back then that it will be soon gone, it was today for me. I know GOD has always been kind and I honestly thank him a lot for THIS.
but, Attachments bring more pain with them. I have always, Always believed that nothing happens without a reason. and i don't know the reason. and i am definitely not strong enough to wait for it to be out in the open.
Why should there be a choice to not endure the pain that has been caused and live anew?
with new freedom, come new Risks.
Better to be in your cocoon and lie comfortably in the darkness. The flash of hope is bound to hurt the pupil of your eyes.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

a lot is there to write about. but i have no clue where t start. coz i dont really know how my brain is working right now. and the songs. god! why do they even make such songs! but then again...i am glad that they do. its not like you're the only person with a messed up life.

chuck it. ill try writing tomorrow.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

for you my lil one!

i don't have a heart of stone.
and i never wish bad for u.
i can never make you understand
that how much i care for you.
i have always protected you
like my own child.
whatever i have
I've shared with you.
but you will still continue
to believe whats in your head.
i have never written anything
dedicated to one particular,
but here i am, writing for you
i am sorry.
if in any way I've ever hurt you.

Monday, October 3, 2011


As i lie alone here
Clueless of the future
Wishing for a silver lining
Inside my unknown fear

Negotiating in my mind
The losses and the gains
Still trying to find a meaning
In the residues and the remains

One moment, i want to fly
Live again a life where i could dream
But soon enough i am reminded of the voice
From my broken heart, that turns into a scream

And i withdraw my self from this world
Trying to feel safe just like in a mothers womb
I guess, ive given more than ill ever have
So i've accepted being comfortably numb.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Against the will

life is so unfair.
and you have to live.

i wish i were free. free and wild as i could be. i wish i didn't know how to care for people. i wish i didn't know what they want. i wish i didn't know what they expect of me. i wish i didn't know of the pain when the heart breaks.

the world just robs you off of your innocence. people say its good to be strong. but i know how many smiles have to die and how many tears you have to cry to become strong.

i dont know if i have myself to blame or someone else. but this has been a wicked journey. a journey where i lost a lot. A journey that never reached its destination but sure taught a lot all the way long!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Meena Bazaar :)

Okay. Sometimes in life you really do feel happy. And you wonder how did it happen. And if you have wanted something for a noticeably long time, when you get it, it seems somewhat unreal.

For people who are close enough to me and who happen to know about MYRA might think i'm messed up with my priorities. Because its just been two months since its inception and i'm celebrating a new job offer.
But, trust me I know what I am doing. And it indeed is all for MYRA. I mean there would've been nothing better if i would've got this opportunity a year back. But now I guess, at that point of time I would've had no idea how much I can make out of it. And how important it really is for me to make my dream a reality.
Plus...i know how badly I needed to work in a proper work environment. I mean its just the right kind of place where i've always wanted to be in.
So, I really really am proud of myself for cracking this one! Thanks god! :*

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Too Much Love Will Kill YOU....everytime!

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long

I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down

How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again

Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


sometimes you just don't understand life. it seems so unfair. and no one treats you the way they should. everything seems like going wrong at once. And its always the people you expect the most from who let you down. yesterday i met a long lost friend and she told me how life throws signals at you. in its own way. but we are so consumed that we don't notice them. and when everything starts to fall apart, it all comes back to you....whatever you had neglected along the way. its funny though that people you care for wont care for you and the ones who care for you, you wouldn't care for them.
We are all very selfish beings. we want what we want. and the mere thought of not having what you want drives you mad. it gets the worst out of you. some people will never treat you the way you should be treated. and they probably might be the ones who mean more than yourself to you.

It is remarkable, the ability of the human heart and mind to get attached to someone without even knowing if the other person values you the slightest. Also, the human nature to pretend.
Lately, I have come across people who have been mistreated due to this. mistreated in a way, that there belief is entirely shaken. In a way that their innocence is lost forever. In a way that they will never feel whole again.
And i know it can happen to anyone. it can happen to me.
But the question is despite knowing everything can I be wise enough to detach myself from everything. will it be like getting scared and running away or will it be just pure wisdom and caution.

I guess i cant decide that. A lot of things have happened to me and surprisingly, for most of them i wonder why. its not suppose to be like this. they say, everything happens for a reason. something somewhere has terribly gone wrong with me and i cant figure out what that is. maybe the answer's with in me but i don't know what will it take for me to know it.

The people who are supposed to be closest to me think that everything's perfect for me and all this is just unnecessary depression. i wonder if someone can actually see me. other than me.
i am thankful to you god that i have a house to live in. a car to drive around in. a family to celebrate occasions with. a lover to share my feelings with. friends to hangout with. but, then how come i am sitting here all alone...hurting...unable to control my tears and no one knows.

and these are the times when everything seems meaningless.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The week that was unlike my previous! ;)

Okay. i guess i still am a little high. partially on last night's alcohol and partially on the way i felt last night. its got nothing to do with sex. but, just meeting new people. After last night i realized, that i haven't done that in a while. and it really really felt good. a few of them i met were kinda younger to me but the way we got talking, no one could have guessed it. i had planned to push early cause i wasn't sure about it. but one it all started i didn't even look at the watch once!

All that apart, i really feel sometimes it really is important to meet unknown people. it is not necessary that u go on and develop a solid friendship even if u clicked and gelled well for that particular time. But, it gives u a great insight. a great understanding. and a great sense of relief. don't know about others. but to me it surely does. I get to know that i am not the only one in this world with problems and i am not the only one who is crazy. every one has their own share of that crazy part in their head.

It is not that as many of us say that so n so is very transparent. and so n so is very manipulative. and so n so is pretentious. It is that part of us that is transparent, manipulative, humorous, pretentious, kind, unkind and so on. Every one of us is a mix of them. We never really are who we are. It is always in the moment. In the surrounding to make us who we are. in that moment. for that particular time. and the people who we are with for that particular time remember us that way for the rest of their lives. that kind of explains why different people have different opinions about the same person. so, if someone doesn't like you, someone adores you too :)

so in all ive been chilling this week. and for sure my boss is gonna put my ass on fire the first thing in the morning. but, now that i know it, ill keep the ice in a bucket ready!! ;) :))

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Only One!

There is going to be only one person whose name you will never forget even in the middle of your sleep.Only one person whose name you will never want to bring up. Only one person who could get your pulse racing and your heart beat faster. Only one person who could break your heart in tiny pieces.Only one person whose name you'll remember admits deepest shit.Only one person whom you'll think of in the happiest of times.Only one person who could make you believe that your life means something. Only one person who could make you believe that your life means nothing. Only one person who would give you a million tears and still counting. Only one person who wipes a million tears with his hands, every time. Only one person who will make you experience what its like being in hell. Only one person who will make you experience what heaven truly is!

But what would you do if the person who holds you tight and then goes ahead and throw you away is one? The Only ONE!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Was it Worth it? or not Worth it?

For someone like me, holding a secret from someone i think about and talk to day and night, wasn't easy. But i tried my best to keep up despite the almost tickling anxiety to burst it out just for that one expression of happiness that I wanted to capture for an eternal timeless memory.
Now, i will have a timeless memory but, it wont be of lips breaking into a smile and eyes lighting up with sparkle!
I guess that every turn, deserves a return and that's probably why my efforts to make a special day extra special have led me to such a state of shock. I don't know if god is planning to send me on some WAR, because that could be the only explanation possible for such heartbreaking events that occur and are turning me into a colder person by the day!
You can only wonder that why the universe conspires against you when you don't conspire against anyone at all. And wondering will only lead you towards madness.
All I've learnt is some people are deserving and some are not. But, I am no judge of it. You can only do what your heart tells you to, as it always shows you the right way, even in spite of the fact, that, this was not the way you wanted to take! But I guess, that's the irony of it, and my life.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

When you miss someone!

You know whats missing. And you try to make yourself understand. But what if nothing is helping. What if you really do miss someone. you know its impossible to be with them at the moment but and with all your busy schedule, exciting new job, new challenges; you still can't get them out of your way.
And whats worse is that absolutely no one, yes, no one whom you love is with you. And its not you who is away, you are right there where you belong, but, every one else is away. Far away.

Things that you might try but, they don't seem to work:
  • calling up every random contact in your phone and talking crap.
  • washing, drying, ironing your entire wardrobe.
  • cooking over doses every single night.
  • watch utter rubbish on the television as every damn movie and song reminds you of the one you miss.
  • Even if you are new to your job and it is not required, you work extra hours.
This is still fine, but, the side effects are even worse.

  • you watch a couple just smiling and talking at a red light and you break down in your car.
  • you cry in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the office bathroom, in your boss' car, in your car, in your bed......................practically everywhere.
  • you feel worse if the weather is nice. you cant enjoy anything.
  • you avoid to talk to people. you prefer staying alone leading you to more depression.
Does anyone know a way out of it. I just know that i am really really sick of feeling sick because i am missing someone. and i don't even know if he feels the fraction of what i feel!
All i want right now is to feel how it use to feel being next to each other or ill just drown in this ocean of memories and stray.

Friday, February 4, 2011

On the first page of our story,
the future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so different,
I don't know why I'm still surprised.
I have so much to write about. and i hope i can write it down. and no i dont think so. i cant this time. not now.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

just being ME!

okay. the last few days have been, if nothing, different. different in a way i could never imagine.
Yes. i wanted to run away. to a better place. and hoped that it'll fix everything. but now here, i am confused more than ever. and now i guess i want to run from here too.
But, i know it ain't gonna help. it'll come back. everything, if i keep shutting it out. This time I HAVE to follow my instincts. just let go. and go with the flow. guess, its right. you cant have anything if it ain't destined to be yours and before its natural time.
i wanna get back to work. i hope i get to hear from satya paul people. god, thats what i really want.
If anything, all of this has taught me is to be patient. i had become very impulsive and moody and after last night i cant look me in the eye. Thats not the kind of girl my daddy wanted me to be. and i don't wanna hurt him. and the most importantly, i don't wanna become one of them! its not me.
I have to remind myself the woman i wanted to be. The love i wanted to give out to the world. The things i wanted to create. the happiness which i wanted to spread. So many of these things. I wonder whats stopping me to do all that? I guess the anger, the continuous struggle to make things work on the personal front, the hatred. In the process to get somewhere, i have manipulated my self so much that i have forgotten the real me and i tell others that they have changed! Guess my family has noticed that and hence tried to tell me but i always mistook them.
I never got that saying: 'Love yourself' but, i guess that is most important. to remember who you are. to like who you are. to appreciate who you are. to LOVE who you are.
I am so so glad that at least i have come to realize this. of course, things don't change over night. it will take a lot of effort to just being me! but i am sure it will be worth everything. :)